I'm sure we can all remember a time in our lives when it felt as though the world was falling down around us in crumbles. And it was as if you were completely helpless to the destruction that was taking place around you. And it felt as though a huge elephant were sitting on your chest with no inclination of moving and allowing you to breathe.
I've felt this many times in my short 24 years, but none so strong as something that has taken place in my life recently. Someone I love dearly hurt me. Betrayed me. I won't go into details because it's personal and honestly, writing down the specifics of it all may just send me spiraling downward once again. It's been an incredibly hard couple of weeks I must say. But by the grace of God I'm slowly inching my way forward. Or rather, I'm painfully crawling forward. But moving forward non the less.
I've looked in the mirror and stared into my own tear-filled eyes and hardly recognized what I saw. Hatred and vengeance were brewing there. My very soul was darkening and my heart turning to ice. And I almost welcomed this change. Because I'm tired. I'm tired of playing nice and dusting myself off with the evil deeds people do. I'm tired of forgiving because they're only human and so am I. But I've never done the things that people have done to me. I've never even considered doing some of the things that I've seen, heard, and had dealt my way by those I love and cared for. Don't get me wrong, I'm human. I have sinned. I have done things I'm not proud of especially when my emotions get the better of me, but mostly I don't intend to hurt people. Especially those I love. I try my best to treat people the way I hope to be treated. But people are mean. People are evil. They don't care about your beliefs and about how you would treat others. They look towards their benefit alone.
And here's where God spoke to me. He said, "Jenny, my child, humble yourself. Do what is right in my eyes, not theirs. Look at them the way that I do. And see yourself the way I see you. You have backslided. You have turned away from me and kept your focus on earthly things. You have loved others more than you have loved me. But I have forgiven you. I always have and I always will. Though you have hurt and betrayed me, I have never left nor forsaken you. And I never will. And so they have hurt you and left you. I have heard your cries. I'm here. Look to my love and my grace. Use my comfort alone to heal you from this. And forgive them. As I have forgiven you. Be my representative and show them the power and the grace of my love and forgiveness. Love them as I love you. Love them as I love them. I am here. You won't do it alone."
I still hurt but I feel relief slowly increasing. Relief slowly pulling that heavy elephant off of my chest. Because God is carrying this burden with me. And through this my faith is strengthened. And through this I have found purpose. It will take time, but I will heal. And with my God carrying me, the path no longer seems so overwhelming.
I've felt this many times in my short 24 years, but none so strong as something that has taken place in my life recently. Someone I love dearly hurt me. Betrayed me. I won't go into details because it's personal and honestly, writing down the specifics of it all may just send me spiraling downward once again. It's been an incredibly hard couple of weeks I must say. But by the grace of God I'm slowly inching my way forward. Or rather, I'm painfully crawling forward. But moving forward non the less.
I've looked in the mirror and stared into my own tear-filled eyes and hardly recognized what I saw. Hatred and vengeance were brewing there. My very soul was darkening and my heart turning to ice. And I almost welcomed this change. Because I'm tired. I'm tired of playing nice and dusting myself off with the evil deeds people do. I'm tired of forgiving because they're only human and so am I. But I've never done the things that people have done to me. I've never even considered doing some of the things that I've seen, heard, and had dealt my way by those I love and cared for. Don't get me wrong, I'm human. I have sinned. I have done things I'm not proud of especially when my emotions get the better of me, but mostly I don't intend to hurt people. Especially those I love. I try my best to treat people the way I hope to be treated. But people are mean. People are evil. They don't care about your beliefs and about how you would treat others. They look towards their benefit alone.
And here's where God spoke to me. He said, "Jenny, my child, humble yourself. Do what is right in my eyes, not theirs. Look at them the way that I do. And see yourself the way I see you. You have backslided. You have turned away from me and kept your focus on earthly things. You have loved others more than you have loved me. But I have forgiven you. I always have and I always will. Though you have hurt and betrayed me, I have never left nor forsaken you. And I never will. And so they have hurt you and left you. I have heard your cries. I'm here. Look to my love and my grace. Use my comfort alone to heal you from this. And forgive them. As I have forgiven you. Be my representative and show them the power and the grace of my love and forgiveness. Love them as I love you. Love them as I love them. I am here. You won't do it alone."
I still hurt but I feel relief slowly increasing. Relief slowly pulling that heavy elephant off of my chest. Because God is carrying this burden with me. And through this my faith is strengthened. And through this I have found purpose. It will take time, but I will heal. And with my God carrying me, the path no longer seems so overwhelming.